Its all an Illusion

I mentioned in my last post that I was in a crappy situation and whateva, that's changed now. We finally got a place, well like 2 months ago. So yeah now I can get back into some old habits. I went to the doctor yesterday and wanted to shoot myself after getting on the scale. I honestly cannot believe how fucking fat I am! My fucking thyroid has completely ruined me! My doctor told me not too worry about it and blah blah blah, but right before she walked out the door pretty much tells me to lose 30 pounds. WOW. Obviously I wanna lose that, I actually wanna lose like 50 pounds, but yeah I've tried soooo much and nothing seems to work. Luckily she raised my thyroid medication so maybe that will help some. I fucking hope so, cause this is just fucking stupid. I'm sooo mad and depressed. Sooo yeah that's a little of whats goin on right now. I wish it would stop raining, so I could go running or something.


sorry for all the cussing, I cuss like a pirate when I'm mad..


xoxoxo

Its been a long while, here's a short update.......

I'm still FAT and DISGUSTING! It's almost impossible for me to lose any weight. I hate myself so much! And for the time being I can't do anything about it because of the situation I'm in.

HOPEFULLY in the very near future, we will be out of this situation and I can go back to old habits and some new ones.

Sorry it's so short, but that's all I got for now.

Just some good 'ol Thinspo

	My Thinspo

I'm so horrible at keeping up with things. I get into the mode of doing something and then a few days or weeks later I'm outa that mode and onto another. I'm a huge "change" kind of person. I need different things going on in my life and I don't like things to stay the same for very long. Thats probably why I get sick of the places we've lived and the cars we drive and the things we have after awhile. Its not a very good quality and my husband gets frustrated with me about it; but thats what makes me, me, I guess.

Anyways, my weight is absolutely ridiculous. I didn't have my thyroid medicine for 3 weeks and it made me gain 20 pounds. Yeah 20 freakin pounds in 3 weeks!! I'm so discusting right now. And my thyroid levels tryin to get back in order is making it extremely hard to get the weight off. I'm also tryin to quit smoking, so thats making it hard to. I really need to get some new diet pills, but we can't afford it right now. It really sucks. Its starting to get nice outside finally, so I can start walking and whatnot now. That will definitely help. I have to lose this weight, there is no freakin question about it. I always say that, but I can't stand looking in the mirror right now. None of my jeans fit, I hate it. I'm a freakin cow!

Some bullshit happened with my best friend a couple days ago. We got into a huge fight and I'm not sure if we are going to remain friends. I'm going over there tonight to talk to her about it. I love her to death and I feel like we've broken up, its crazy. But I also don't know if I want to be friends with her. She really hurt me and said some really hurtful things and completely lost my trust. I don't know if I can handle that happening again if we were to remain friends. Its a really shitty situation. I don't know whats gonna happen, I guess we'll see when I go over there.

So thats about it for now. I usually only talk about my weight and such here, but I'll probably use this for more than that now. Hmmm, we'll see.

  I decided tonight I'm going to try something different with my workout, cause I don't always want to workout right when I get up in the morning and sometimes I just don't get a chance to. I was trying to workout in the morning and then again at night, but yeah, like I said that's not going very well.
 So, when I get the energy or sometime in the afternoon, I'm going to do all the situps, leg lifts, etc that I do but not count how many I do, just go until I'm tired cause counting how many i do is depressing sometimes and then take a 10 or so minute break and then do it all again until I'm tired and then take another break and repeat it all up to 5 times.
 That should give a really good workout and I'll be getting more of a workout too instead of doing the little bit in the morning and little bit at night. I really want to go jogging too but its been so cold and rainy here, its pretty much impossible. So yeah, thats my plan.
 I don't think I mentioned in my last post what my diet plan is, so I'll share. I'm only eating fruits, veggie and rice cakes; and only if I'm really hungry. I'm trying to drink a lot more water too.
 Yesturday I had 1/2 an apple, 2 rice cakes, and a very small salad (lettuce, slice of tomato and slice of cucumber). Very happy with that. 
Today I had 1/2 a bagel didnt mean to do that, it was a random food grab 3/4 of an apple and 3 rice cakes. Except for the bagel, very happy with that.
I also picked up some sugar free gum today so when I'm feeling hungry, I can just grab a piece of that instead. It worked good today. Today is Saturday well technically Sunday and I'm hoping to lose 3 lbs by next Saturday, if I'm lucky it will be more than that, but I gotta keep my goals small or I'll just be disappointed.

So yeah, thats what I've been thinking about and planning and doing.

Yay me :)

  I have been away for awhile, sorry. I kinda lost track of myself and a lot of things. But I'm back and I'm really needing this journal right now. Because of stupid choices and whatnot, I've gained a ridiculous amount. :(
 So one of my New Years resolutions is too get rid of that plus a lot more. This is the year of change for me. Not just with my weight, but many things that are in serious need of change and improvement. I'm determined to follow through. I don't think I can handle failing.

I've been really bored the last couple hours and all I can think about it food. I haven't given in, but its really hard. I need to keep myself busy. That's why I came here. I need some inspiration and some distraction.

I'll try to come around more often and keep updating. For now I don't know what else to say, my mind does not want to work right.

I've been so busy with work and my shitty life, I haven't came around in awhile. Just wanted to say I'm still here. I have to go to work in a few minutes, but I'll catch up later.

Life has been just too crazy and stressful and depressing, thats why I haven't been around much. My weight is just being ridiculous. I've been bouncing back and forth between 132 and 135. Its making me crazy. I just wanna get out of the 130s. Why is this so fucking difficult?!
I wanna crawl in a hole.........

I got "the burn" pills and hoodia pills last week. They are working good so far, I think. I'm almost at my goal of 5 lbs lost by tomorrow. I have .8 to go. I didn't think it was gonna happen, but surprisingly with the new diet pills, its working out. This week I'm hoping to lose another 5 lbs and then I'll be at 129. out of the 130s, yay! I wish there was a way to get my thighs and hips smaller, faster. I hate my thighs and hips so much. They're so fucking discusting. There's a lady at my work, that is so freakin tiny. I swear she wears like a triple 0 or something. God, how I would love to look like her. I doubt thats ever going to happen though. She has a lot smaller frame than me. What I would give to be thin!!!!!

WTF! I don't understand what's happening. I keep gaining. I dont understand how. I only had a salad today. I feel so fucking discusting, I want to die. I'm going tomorrow and getting some diet pills and hoodia pills. This is just fucking ridiculous. I'm also going to plan a workout schedule, even though I don't have my gym membership anymore. I have to get serious about this. I'm seriously going to fucking kill myself if I don't start losing again. What the hell is wrong with me?! I'm such a fucking fat, discusting, pathetic pig!!!!!!

I haven't posted in a while but I have been on, watchin the proana community. Still haven't been accepted, even though I put my app in weeks ago. *sigh*. 2468 didn't really work out very well. I had 300 cals on the 200 day and 500 on the 400. I had 600 on the right day, but I hated it. It felt like too much. So I went for another fast, but it only lasted one day. The next day I ate a salad. Yesterday was absolutely horrible. I had an egg mcmuffin in the morning and then 1/2 of a quesadilla (sp) at night. UGG. So much fat, discusting. I was down to 136 and now I'm back up to 138. I keep bouncing back and forth between 136 and 138. It's so frustrating. So I'm gonna fast today and tomorrow. See how that goes. Maybe I'll do longer. I have to get this fucking fat off of me. I can't stand it. I'm seriously the biggest fuckin cow ever! I've been so tired lately; I wish I could have some more energy to do more things, like exercise and whatnot. LIFE SUCKS

My fast went very well. I can't believe I actually did it. The last day in the evening was hard, it took everything in me not to go to the kitchen. So, because of my hard work I lost 4 lbs! Very happy about that. Today I'm starting 2468. Since I made it through the fast, I'm sure I can make it though this. I don't want to get my hopes up too much. I've been let down before. I might be getting adderall soon. God I hope I can get it! I know that's what Nicole Richie has been taking and its definitely worked for her. I wish I could at least come close to looking like her. She is so perfect. I would do anything to look like her.
I think I'm going to get back into my art. I haven't done it in a while and doing that charcoal drawing for my mom was so enjoyable. Plus it keeps me busy and my mind off food. I wish I had a place to go in the house where I can be by myself. But with 3 adults and 3 kids in the house its so difficult.
I need to be alone with ana. I need to fade away.

So I'm on day 2 of my fast and its going pretty good. I just had coffee and diet pop yesterday and the same today. I love this empty feeling, its so empowering. I made dinner for everyone tonight, and I wasn't even interested in eating; not hungry at all. I wish I could feel this way all the time. I hate food so much. Tomorrow is the last day of my fast and hopefully I can do as good as these last 2 days. Sunday I'm starting the 2468 diet. Well actually 02468. I've lost 2lbs somehow. Don't really know how that happened. But its pretty cool. I wish the fat would just fall off. I'm so sick of it. Sometimes I wish I could cut it off. My husband told me last night that he was going to make me eat today, but I guess he forgot about it, cause he didn't say anything. I also don't think he noticed that I didn't eat any dinner that I made.

I'm so completely sick of these part time friends I have. They only talk to me or hang out with me when something in their life isn't going right or their other friends are pissing them off and they want to vent. And then if I want to vent to them, its like they don't really listen or don't really care to hear what I have to say. They are just like whatever to me. God it's so frustrating. People irritate me so much.

I'm so sick of being fat and sad and unhappy all the time. I'm sick of people using me; I'm sick of always feeling so alone; I'm sick of the house always being a freakin disaster area; I'm sick of the kids never listening; I'm sick of never having enough money to do what we need to do; I'm sick of life. I just want to be thin; that would make me happy. That would make life bearable. Why can't I just be thin?!

Age: 26
Height: 5'6"
HW: 198
LW: 123
CW: 142
GW1: 130
GW2: 120
GW3: 115
CBMI: 22.9
GBMI: 17 or 18 (i know i have to go lower than 115 to reach that, but i planned on it anyway)

I'm fasting today. I tried to start that yesterday, but it was the first day of my period and well it got all screwed up. I had a bagel and then later a roast beef sandwich and then later a bag of mini oreos. Ugg. I've been at a plateau for a few weeks, so now it's time for fasting. NO FOOD NO FOOD NO FOOD!! I wish I still had my gym membership, so I could go workout for hours and not think about food. I guess I'll go for a hike today or something, I wanna lose at least a pound by the end of the week; 3 days. Enough screwing around, summer is coming up fast.

Your Body Image is 100% Unhealthy, 0% Healthy

You don't feel good about the way you look... pretty much ever. And it's impacting your life so much that you need to seek help.

How's Your Body Image?

bOdy               perfection        FAT              Lose weight                                  obsession
       
    mirror mirror                    HeAdachE             addiction                                     pain

druG                depression                   pathetic              dying to be thin                    will power

  invisible                issues           diet                emptiness          ANA             lost

     SHOUTING in whispers             coming clean                   escape to reality                  burning

control             restrict                           pUrge         water                  scale         anxiety

   scattered                      disease               on the edge           ANGRY               scars            therapy

borderline          rUsH                    sTreSs                   baggage        disappear            calories

              fasting                 failure                  weight                running           The End Begins

into the darkness                alone                  exhausted          sick                    CRAZY           AlCoHoL

   bleeding            silence               what nourishes me, destroys me           exercise               drowning

                  girl interrupted         gone               pills                secrets         sad            hate       

mia                 the art of deception          fear                 lose                   trapped                   thinspiration